


I would never stoop so low as to make a British teeth joke. I have more creative integrity than that.

by itsdave



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Earth C (Homestuck), F/F, M/M, Retcon Timeline
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-05
Updated: 2020-07-06
Packaged: 2021-03-05 05:07:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,387
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25088905
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itsdave/pseuds/itsdave
Summary: Rose and Dirk talk for the first time.
Relationships: Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas, Rose Lalonde/Kanaya Maryam
Comments: 55
Kudos: 184





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> [Made with homestuck5.com](http://www.homestuck5.com/)

ROSE: Did you have a productive talk with Karkat?  
DIRK: I think it went alright.  
ROSE: I take it he gave you the proverbial shovel talk?  
DIRK: Pretty much, yeah.  
DIRK: But I get the impression that’s the best I could hope for from him at this point.  
ROSE: It very well might be.  
DIRK: That’s fine by me.  
DIRK: He’s understandably very protective of Dave, and even more wary of me.  
DIRK: If anything, I think he was doing me a real courtesy, sharing his plans to garrote me in my sleep if I slip up.  
ROSE: Oh lord, did he tell you that's what he'd do?  
DIRK: Not in so many words.  
ROSE: Haha!  
ROSE: Was it _more_ words?  
DIRK: I’m not sure I follow.  
ROSE: I’m asking if you got a thorough verbal dressing down.  
DIRK: Oh.  
DIRK: Absolutely.  
ROSE: Good.  
ROSE: ...  
ROSE: Dirk, I’m going to let you in on a secret.  
ROSE: Consider it a familial welcoming gift.  
DIRK: I will consider it nothing else.  
ROSE: Excellent.  
ROSE: This is it: Karkat is not going to murder you in your sleep.  
DIRK: You don’t think so?  
ROSE: _God_ no.  
DIRK: I’m liking this secret.  
ROSE: I thought you would.  
DIRK: So he wasn’t actually threatening me.  
ROSE: Oh no, he most certainly was.  
ROSE: With every fiber of his being.  
ROSE: However...  
ROSE: I’m sure you’re aware that trolls have a certain... reputation for violence.  
ROSE: One that is no doubt perpetuated by your own personal experience.  
DIRK: You mean the one in which they effectively eradicated my species.  
ROSE: That’s the one, yes.  
DIRK: Yeah, it’s pretty bold as opening salvos go.  
ROSE: It is.  
ROSE: But as with any group, I’m sure you can appreciate that the many parts do not always reflect the shared impression of the whole.  
DIRK: You’re saying Karkat’s not synecdochal of his species.  
ROSE: I’m saying I once watched him tear up because the coffee machine stopped filling his cup at _just the right level_.  
DIRK: Oh.  
ROSE: As if it “knew and understood” him.  
DIRK: Wow.  
ROSE: He was emotional for the rest of the day.  
DIRK: That is... really something.  
ROSE: It was a sight to behold.  
DIRK: Huh.  
ROSE: To be clear, I’m not implying that Karkat isn’t protective of Dave.  
ROSE: In fact, if _anything_ were to push him over the edge into actual violence, I imagine it would be if he felt Dave had been wronged or hurt somehow.  
DIRK: I see.  
ROSE: All I’m saying is that as grating as Karkat’s bark can be.  
ROSE: And _god_ can it be grating sometimes.  
DIRK: Heh.  
ROSE: It is _significantly_ worse than his bite, which is effectively nonexistent.  
DIRK: Huh.  
DIRK: And here I thought this was gearing up to be a lesson against xenophobia and stereotypes.  
ROSE: Oh, I presumed that was a given.  
DIRK: Yeah.  
DIRK: I’m cool with that being a given.  
ROSE: Cool.  
DIRK: ...  
DIRK: Am I also to take as a given that buried underneath this insistence that Karkat _won’t_ kill me if I hurt Dave, there’s a tacit understanding that _you will_?  
ROSE: Well it’s hardly tacit anymore now, is it?  
DIRK: Heh.  
DIRK: I guess not.  
DIRK: I really blew up your spot.  
DIRK: Sorry about that.  
ROSE: That's alright.  
ROSE: It’s considerably more effective this way.  
DIRK: Mmm.  
ROSE: ...  
ROSE: Actually, all spoken unspoken threats to your personal well-being aside...  
ROSE: I did have an ulterior motive in speaking to you.  
DIRK: And what’s that?  
ROSE: I’d like to get to know you.  
DIRK: Oh.  
DIRK: Does that really qualify as “ulterior?”  
ROSE: Hm.  
ROSE: Perhaps not.  
ROSE: I hate to admit it, but my motives behind this conversation might be, at their core, decidedly “terior.”  
DIRK: Yeah, let’s just leave the ults out of it.  
ROSE: Hahaha!  
DIRK: What’s so funny?  
ROSE: I’m not sure.  
DIRK: Um.  
ROSE: It’s just...  
ROSE: For a split second that struck me as something that, under different circumstances, would be a particularly hilarious thing for us to say.  
DIRK: What circumstances are those?  
ROSE: Honestly?  
ROSE: I have no idea.  
DIRK: Well that’s a little unsettling.  
ROSE: Not really.  
ROSE: I get flashes of things like that sometimes.  
ROSE: Possible future and alternate paths.  
DIRK: Really?  
ROSE: Mm.  
ROSE: I’m more than used to it by now.  
ROSE: It comes with the Seer of Light territory, I’m afraid.  
DIRK: Well shit.  
ROSE: Eh, it’s not debilitating.  
ROSE: I’d liken it to an intense moment of déjà vu.  
ROSE: Just in the opposite direction.  
ROSE: And with more... thematic weight.  
DIRK: Well I’m the Prince of Heart, so by that logic I should occasionally be overtaken by bouts of desire to remove people’s souls from their bodies.  
DIRK: And... lounge around eating turkey legs, I guess?  
ROSE: Is that really the association?  
DIRK: The turkey leg?  
DIRK: No, that was a reach.  
DIRK: That’s more king imagery, if I’m being honest.  
ROSE: Ha!  
ROSE: I was referring to the removal of souls.  
DIRK: I know.  
DIRK: As far as that’s concerned...  
DIRK: Supposedly, yes.  
DIRK: I was told once that it was a possibility.  
DIRK: It’s too bad our aspects aren’t reversed.  
DIRK: Then you could hold my soul ransom to protect Dave.  
ROSE: While you would be tortured with occasional bouts of mild déjà vu.  
DIRK: It does have a more just ring to it.  
ROSE: Oh dear.  
ROSE: I’m afraid these threats against you are becoming less tacit by the minute.  
DIRK: Yeah, but I’m the one making them now, so it’s okay.  
ROSE: Ha!  
DIRK: ...  
DIRK: We seem to be talking a lot about Dave.  
ROSE: Yes, well.  
ROSE: He is somewhat our common denominator.  
ROSE: How much did you talk about him with Karkat?  
DIRK: He was... almost exclusively all we discussed, to be honest.  
ROSE: Well then.  
DIRK: ...Conversation did drift in a Mayorly direction for a while.  
ROSE: I trust you had only good things to say.  
DIRK: I... did not.  
ROSE: Oh no!  
DIRK: Yeah, I fucked that up pretty impressively.  
ROSE: One does not talk shit about the Mayor.  
DIRK: Believe me.  
DIRK: I’ve been told.  
ROSE: Ha!  
DIRK: But you wanted this conversation to be about the two of us.  
ROSE: Well, yes.  
ROSE: If that’s alright with you.  
DIRK: Of course it is.  
ROSE: I held back from approaching you at first, because Dave had obvious precedence.  
ROSE: And then I felt Karkat superseded me, as well.  
ROSE: I don't know if that’s actually true, but it seemed appropriate.  
DIRK: Family dynamics are a bitch, huh?  
ROSE: I wouldn't really know.  
DIRK: Me neither.  
ROSE: Mm.  
ROSE: ...I’m slightly worried I’ve woven a tangled web of social rules here, purely for the sake of imagining myself in some overwrought period drama.  
DIRK: ...  
DIRK: You got in before the Mayor, at least.  
ROSE: Ha!  
DIRK: And I’ve been told that guy is a riot.  
ROSE: He really is.  
DIRK: Does he talk?  
ROSE: No.  
DIRK: Huh.  
ROSE: He is an impeccable listener, though.  
ROSE: You should introduce yourself.  
DIRK: He’ll be next on the list.  
ROSE: Heh.  
DIRK: Are we going to have to keep up this carefully crafted period drama web for all our future conversations?  
ROSE: God, I hope not.  
ROSE: By all accounts we’re effectively immortal.  
DIRK: Yeah, that would probably get old.  
ROSE: I believe with immortality most things do.  
DIRK: Heh.  
DIRK: Is there any particular way you envisioned us using our carefully allotted first conversation?  
ROSE: Honestly?  
ROSE: No.  
DIRK: Oh.  
ROSE: That’s not to say I haven’t thought about it.  
ROSE: In fact, I very seriously considered compiling a list of questions for this eventual encounter.  
DIRK: Only considered?  
ROSE: Yes, I stopped short.  
ROSE: I realized I had no idea what to expect from you.  
ROSE: What sort of topics to engage in.  
DIRK: That doesn't fall under the Seer of Light purview?  
ROSE: Unfortunately, no.  
ROSE: Or maybe fortunately.  
ROSE: If I could chart every interaction it would make for fewer social blunders, but much less interesting conversation.  
DIRK: So you’re flying blind now?  
ROSE: Apart from what Dave’s told me.  
DIRK: ...Oh.  
ROSE: Yes, that was another thing.  
ROSE: I was certainly _interested_ in meeting the man Dave described.  
ROSE: But potential conversational topics kept showing a tendency to veer toward the...  
ROSE: Um.  
DIRK: ...Accusatory?  
ROSE: Er.  
ROSE: Yes.  
DIRK: That’s okay.  
DIRK: I figured as much.  
ROSE: But I feel we’ve already beaten that horse into adequate submission.  
DIRK: Have we?  
ROSE: For now, yes.  
ROSE: I’m more interested in you.  
DIRK: So am I.  
ROSE: You’re interested in yourself?  
DIRK: Ha!  
DIRK: That is a very loaded phrase, considering how many external versions of myself are flitting around.  
ROSE: Oh my.  
DIRK: But no, I meant that sentence to be a pure and simple, reflexive-free reversal of your own.  
ROSE: In which the pronoun remains unchanged yet takes on an implied new antecedent?  
DIRK: Exactly.  
DIRK: I would have clarified, but it’s such a well-worn comedic path, I didn’t feel the need to.  
ROSE: Yes.  
ROSE: Let’s give that path a rest.  
ROSE: Allow the grass a chance to regrow.  
DIRK: Small birds will build their nests in it, safe from predators long since driven away by that low-hanging, self-effacing attempt to come off as flustered and endearing.  
ROSE: A beautiful vision of the future.  
DIRK: Is that reverse déjà vu I smell?  
ROSE: Probably. It’s a funny mix of ozone and lavender.  
DIRK: That’s _exactly_ what I’m picking up on.  
ROSE: Well then it must be true.  
ROSE: :)  
DIRK: ...  
DIRK: :)  
ROSE: What are you interested in knowing about me?  
DIRK: Well...  
DIRK: Seeing as I’m technically your father, I could always express a profound squeamishness with, yet simultaneous overbearing concern for your love life.  
ROSE: Ha!  
ROSE: Yes, well you’ve already met Kanaya.  
DIRK: Only briefly.  
DIRK: Oh shit.  
DIRK: Should I talk to her before the Mayor?  
DIRK: Where does she fall in your great _Downton Abbey_ -esque scheme?  
ROSE: Downton what?  
DIRK: Oh.  
DIRK: Wait.  
DIRK: Of course.  
DIRK: That started in 2010.  
ROSE: Ah.  
ROSE: After my time.  
DIRK: Well shit.  
DIRK: I’d like to say I’ve never had a cultural reference fall flatter, but...  
ROSE: Ha!  
ROSE: Can you give me a brief abstract?  
DIRK: It’s a tv show.  
ROSE: I gathered.  
DIRK: It’s pretty much like the thousand other BBC flavored period dramas you probably had in your head as reference earlier.  
DIRK: Only this one was in some immutable way more accessible to and resonant with American audiences.  
DIRK: It was a little bit of an international sensation.  
DIRK: Or you know, a sensation in relative terms, when your main point of reference is fuckin’ _Upstairs, Downstairs_.  
ROSE: See, that one I _do_ know.  
DIRK: Yeah just imagine that but with better lighting.  
ROSE: Haha!  
DIRK: More Seer humor?  
ROSE: No.  
ROSE: I just thought for sure you were going to say “with better teeth.”  
DIRK: I would never stoop so low as to make a British teeth joke.  
DIRK: I have more creative integrity than that.  
ROSE: That’s very admirable of you.  
DIRK: Thank you.  
ROSE: Of course, both shows are British, aren’t they?  
DIRK: Yeah, but the _Downton_ cast _did_ have pretty perfect teeth on the whole.  
ROSE: Maybe that’s why it was such a success overseas.  
DIRK: That may very well have been its secret.  
ROSE: Heh.  
ROSE: I’d like to hear more about it sometime.  
DIRK: I mean...  
DIRK: I have a drive with a while not exhaustive, pretty fuckin’ extensive collection of Earth film and television.  
ROSE: I take it _Downton Abbey_ is on there?  
DIRK: Both “canon” seasons and the third that was never aired but pieced together from found footage by Hugh Bonneville and two rogue ITV cameramen and released on the Dark Web.  
ROSE: Well how could I _possibly_ resist that?  
DIRK: I don’t know... season three is pretty tragic.  
DIRK: You can really sense the air of hopelessness the writers felt at the new world order.  
ROSE: Oh no.  
DIRK: No, wait.  
DIRK: I’m not going to say anything else.  
DIRK: It's best if you don’t see it coming, in my opinion.  
ROSE: Then say no more.  
ROSE: I’d like to go in with my mind unsullied.  
DIRK: Excellent call.  
DIRK: And anyway, even if you decide it sucks, we can revel in the knowledge that there’s no more perfect way for a gay father and his teenage daughter to bond than by watching _Downton Abbey_ together.  
ROSE: I don’t know...  
ROSE: Do you have _Sixteen Candles_?  
DIRK: ...  
DIRK: I do have _Sixteen Candles_.  
ROSE: Hmmmmm.  
DIRK: God, you're right, that’s a real tossup.  
DIRK: That’s a tough fuckin’ call.  
ROSE: I suppose the only thing for it is to try both, then.  
DIRK: See which feels more culturally cathartic?  
ROSE: Exactly.  
DIRK: We’ll have to make a tradition of it.  
ROSE: We can take extensive notes.  
DIRK: Publish our findings.  
ROSE: Start a semi-annual academic journal.  
DIRK: Get it peer reviewed.  
ROSE: ...I’m being completely serious about this.  
DIRK: So am I.  
ROSE: Excellent.  
DIRK: ...  
DIRK: I feel like we still haven’t talked very much about _ourselves_ , here.  
ROSE: Hm.  
ROSE: If it’s any consolation, I feel as though this conversation is filling in quite a few mental blanks I’d been harboring, oblique though it may be.  
DIRK: Same.  
ROSE: Good.  
DIRK: Maybe that’s enough.  
ROSE: Maybe...  
ROSE: I can understand how it might fall a bit flat, however.  
ROSE: So why don’t I give you an abstract?  
DIRK: About yourself?  
ROSE: Yes.  
ROSE: Then you can compare it to what you know about the iteration of myself you grew up aware of.  
DIRK: Sure.  
ROSE: And you can do the same.  
DIRK: That seems only fair.  
ROSE: Great.  
DIRK: You wanna start?  
ROSE: It was my idea, after all.  
DIRK: It was.  
ROSE: Alright.  
ROSE: My name is Rose Lalonde.  
DIRK: Checks out so far.  
ROSE: Ha!  
ROSE: I grew up in far Upstate New York with a detached and troubled mother whom I’ve since come to forgive in some ways and resent in new ways.  
DIRK: Mm.  
ROSE: I’ve been what I would call “in love” twice.  
ROSE: Once with Emma Watson.  
DIRK: Really?  
ROSE: _Oh yes_.  
DIRK: Well okay then.  
ROSE: That made for a very intense and formative few months when I was twelve.  
ROSE: To such an extent that I think it earns the right to be elevated above the sundry other crushes and infatuations I’ve experienced.  
DIRK: I think that’s fair.  
ROSE: Thank you.  
ROSE: The other of course is Kanaya.  
ROSE: I fell in love with her words first, long before we met face to face, which the romantic in me can’t help but liken to lovers of long ago when the world was larger, writing perfumed letters across vast distances, perhaps never to meet.  
ROSE: ...  
ROSE: Karkat has informed me that's also the plot of _You’ve Got Mail_.  
DIRK: Oh my god.  
ROSE: Yep.  
ROSE: Sigh.  
ROSE: Anyway.  
ROSE: When against all odds we met in person, she exceeded my every expectation.  
ROSE: We fell in together almost immediately.  
ROSE: Of course I realize the options for the past three years were... limited.  
ROSE: Confined as they were to my brother, two men, and two other women who, while they’ve come to be my friends, base their romantic attachment on a certain harshness that still occasionally unnerves me.  
DIRK: Plus the Mayor.  
ROSE: Oh my god.  
ROSE: That’s right.  
DIRK: Never forget the Mayor.  
ROSE: You're learning fast.  
DIRK: Thank you.  
ROSE: Yes, anyway.  
ROSE: Even though it was the most logical for Kanaya and I to come together, it never once felt forced, or like settling.  
ROSE: Rather, I felt she and I were destined to be together, and those few other people came along by chance.  
ROSE: Which, before you ask, I fully recognize as unconscionably selfish.  
ROSE: Don’t worry.  
DIRK: Wasn’t worried in the slightest.  
DIRK: So, you believe in destiny?  
ROSE: That is quite the thing to ask a Seer of Light.  
DIRK: I guess it is.  
ROSE: But your question still stands, I assume?  
DIRK: Yeah.  
DIRK: If you don’t mind it standing, that is.  
ROSE: I don’t.  
ROSE: I’m the one who brought it up, after all.  
ROSE: And it’s an interesting question.  
ROSE: ...  
ROSE: ...  
ROSE: Up until this point, I’ve experienced varying levels of awareness of an Alpha Timeline,  
ROSE: And I would say that, yes, that timeline _was_ destined to happen, one way or another.  
ROSE: The question of whether “I,” as in this particular consciousness that’s driving these words right now, would be the one to experience that inevitability...  
ROSE: That, I believe, has a murkier answer.  
ROSE: One that comes down, in the end, purely to chance.  
DIRK: So you believe that what happened had to happen, but which iteration of “you” would experience it was completely arbitrary.  
ROSE: Pretty much.  
ROSE: Yes.  
DIRK: Had _The Prestige_ come out yet in your time?  
ROSE: Yes, it had.  
ROSE: That’s not a bad supporting source for this idea.  
DIRK: Good thing we’ve both seen it.  
ROSE: It is.  
ROSE: Heh.  
DIRK: So, you mentioned “up until this point.”  
DIRK: Does this understanding not apply to us anymore?  
ROSE: I don’t believe it does.  
ROSE: It’s still early, so who can say.  
DIRK: But?  
ROSE: Yes, there _was_ an implicit “but” there.  
DIRK: I’m very good at picking up on implicit buts.  
ROSE: Ha!  
ROSE: My implicit but is...  
ROSE: I think we might be well and truly beyond “what has to happen” territory, now.  
ROSE: We’re simply in a state of “what is happening.”  
ROSE: These iterations of ourselves are still here entirely by chance, but we can finally stop worrying about whether it’s “right” or not.  
ROSE: Or whether we’ll be wiped out by Paradox Space for the crime of incidentally existing in a time and place that’s “wrong.”  
ROSE: We can just be.  
DIRK: That sounds pretty fuckin’ nice.  
ROSE: It does.  
ROSE: ...  
ROSE: I’m realizing I may have drifted slightly off topic at the end, there.  
DIRK: That’s alright.  
ROSE: Good lord.  
ROSE: I set out with the explicit task of describing myself, and all I did was wax poetic about my girlfriend and the nature of existence.  
ROSE: I’d say the closest I got to personal truth was when I admitted to my Hermione Granger sexual awakening,  
ROSE: But I have a sinking feeling that experience might be a dime a dozen.  
DIRK: Hahaha!  
DIRK: God, don’t worry.  
DIRK: I feel like I know you _much_ better now.  
DIRK: Hermione sexual awakening and all.  
ROSE: She had this pink hooded sweatshirt in the third film.  
DIRK: Haha!  
ROSE: I’m not sure what it was about it...  
DIRK: The heart wants what it wants.  
ROSE: Indeed.  
DIRK: I was more of a Voldemort guy myself.  
ROSE: You’re kidding.  
DIRK: ...  
DIRK: Yeah, I am.  
ROSE: Damn.  
DIRK: Sorry.  
ROSE: Ha!  
DIRK: So I guess that’s the cue for me to tell you about myself.  
ROSE: I suppose so.  
ROSE: Feel free to drift into a meandering meditation on the justice of the multiverse.  
ROSE: Or not.  
ROSE: Whatever strikes your fancy.  
DIRK: Don’t worry.  
DIRK: That will probably strike my fancy at some point.  
DIRK: Many points.  
DIRK: In fact I can pretty much guarantee I’ll get a little obsessed with it.  
ROSE: I look forward to it.  
DIRK: But since we’ve already covered a lot of that territory, maybe I’ll just stick to the basics.  
ROSE: That’s perfectly fine.  
DIRK: Okay.  
DIRK: My name is Dirk Strider.  
ROSE: I knew it.  
DIRK: Ha!  
DIRK: Lets see...  
DIRK: I grew up all alone in the middle of the ocean, in an apartment furnished by...  
DIRK: Dave’s alt self.  
ROSE: Yes, my older self did something similar for Roxy.  
DIRK: Right.  
DIRK: Exactly.  
DIRK: So you know all about that.  
DIRK: Um.  
DIRK: Everything I know about human culture, I learned from the internet.  
ROSE: I think that might be a bumper sticker.  
DIRK: I think it might be.  
DIRK: Just need to get myself a car to put it on.  
ROSE: Did you learn how to drive on the internet?  
DIRK: In theory.  
ROSE: Ha!  
DIRK: Obviously when I say “the internet,” I mean that in the broadest sense possible.  
DIRK: That includes everything from The Dead Sea Scrolls to The Elder Scrolls, and from _Downton Abbey_ to the Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff Oeuvre.  
ROSE: I’m sorry.  
ROSE: The _what_?  
DIRK: Oh damn.  
DIRK: That's definitely going on our watchlist.  
ROSE: Will it fit our research model?  
DIRK: SBAHJ is suitable for _all_ situations.  
ROSE: Well alright, then.  
DIRK: Let’s see.  
DIRK: Taking a cue from your earlier soul-baring...  
DIRK: I’ve been in love once.  
ROSE: But not with Voldemort.  
DIRK: Heh.  
DIRK: No.  
DIRK: Not with Voldemort.  
DIRK: Um.  
DIRK: Someone a little less fictional.  
DIRK: And...  
DIRK: Closer to home.  
ROSE: ...Jake?  
DIRK: Boy, those sure are some powers of deduction you’ve got there.  
ROSE: I mean...  
ROSE: It seemed the only logical option.  
DIRK: Yeahhh.  
DIRK: I don’t honestly know what’s going on there.  
ROSE: Would you like to talk about it?  
DIRK: Not really.  
DIRK: Sorry.  
ROSE: That’s fine.  
ROSE: This is the time for basic facts, after all.  
DIRK: Yeah, well my ability to fuck things up with Jake is pretty fuckin’ basic, let me tell you.  
DIRK: ...  
DIRK: But no.  
DIRK: Let’s...  
DIRK: Not.  
DIRK: Do that now.  
ROSE: Whatever you like.  
DIRK: Ha.  
DIRK: Yeah, sure, let’s get real fuckin’ basic.  
DIRK: Pure essentials.  
DIRK: I like horses.  
DIRK: I like robots.  
DIRK: I like rap.  
DIRK: I like building things, working with my hands.  
DIRK: I’d call myself an intellectual, if people who did that didn’t have a tendency to be goddamn fucking awful.  
ROSE: Ha!  
DIRK: But maybe that’s fitting.  
ROSE: I think I can relate.  
DIRK: Yeah?  
ROSE: _Oh_ yeah.  
DIRK: Heh.  
DIRK: That’s reassuring.  
ROSE: It is.  
DIRK: Well shit.  
DIRK: Now I feel like I’ve overshot and told you too much about myself with that rapid-fire fuckin’ list there.  
ROSE: Hm.  
ROSE: I’m not sure “I like horses” really qualifies as oversharing.  
DIRK: Ha.  
DIRK: Yeah, maybe not.  
ROSE: But purely for the sake of restoring balance to the force,  
ROSE: I’ll offer up, free of charge, the fascinating, highly revealing tidbit that I like cats.  
DIRK: Wow.  
DIRK: You’re sure I don’t owe you any money for that?  
ROSE: Positive.  
DIRK: Your generosity knows no bounds.  
ROSE: It is my fatal flaw.  
DIRK: Haha!  
ROSE: ...  
ROSE: I’m also partial to eldritch horrors.  
DIRK: Okay.  
DIRK: Now _that_ might actually be a little bit revealing.  
ROSE: Yes, and as such, that piece of information does not come free of charge.  
DIRK: Oh shit.  
DIRK: How far in debt am I?  
ROSE: I’m afraid you owe me one episode of this sensational _Upstairs, Downstairs_ knockoff.  
DIRK: That’s a steep price.  
ROSE: Yes, well, my boundless generosity only bounds so far.  
DIRK: I think I can afford it, though.  
ROSE: Excellent.  
ROSE: ...  
ROSE: I’m glad we did this.  
DIRK: Me too.  
ROSE: Even if you never did tell me which _Harry Potter_ character sparked your burgeoning sexuality.  
DIRK: Oh my god.  
DIRK: That’s...  
DIRK: _Actually_ kind of embarrassing.  
ROSE: It’s alright.  
ROSE: We’ve made a lot of progress here today.  
ROSE: You don’t have to tell me.  
ROSE: Be aware, however, that I am going to assume it was Dobby the House Elf.  
DIRK: Sigh...  
ROSE: Oh my god, _was it_??  
DIRK: No!  
DIRK: It...  
DIRK: ...  
DIRK: It was Ron.  
ROSE: Ron.  
DIRK: Yepp.  
ROSE: I’m not going to respond to this information immediately.  
DIRK: Okay.  
ROSE: Instead I’m going to mull over it for a while.  
DIRK: Totally fair.  
ROSE: And get back to you at a later date with my diagnosis.  
DIRK: I understand.  
DIRK: There's a lot to unpack there.  
ROSE: Thank you for trusting me with this, Dirk.  
ROSE: I mean that.  
DIRK: We’re family, Rose.  
DIRK: I’d trust you with anything.  
ROSE: Likewise.  
DIRK: :|  
ROSE: :|  
DIRK: ...  
ROSE: ...  
DIRK: ...  
ROSE: ...  
DIRK: ...  
ROSE: ...  
DIRK: ...  
ROSE: ...  
DIRK: Hahahaha!  
ROSE: Hahahaha!  



	2. Chapter 2

_Abstract_  


_Social catharsis (to be defined within as the purgation of [re]pressed [e]motions, in all encompassing parenthetical [parent-ethical?] senses of the above terms including but not limited to both mental and physical tolls inflicted upon [and simultaneously bequeathed unto] progeny within the confines of one or more collectives of same[s(âme?)]-coded groups) is a term that is difficult to pin down._  
_Through a rigorously-curated series of sundry-data-collating excursions into the aggregate-yet-extantly-incomplete body of film-, television-, and Web-based art pieces screened/broadcast/telecast/streamed/uploaded/et alia during (and by) the antediluvian, diluvian, and postdiluvian eras of human culture(s) of the Alpha (post-Scratch) iteration of Earth, it is our intention to identify, quantify, qualify, and chart such instances as delineated in the above paragraph._  


tentacleTherapist [TT] is trolling turntechGodhead [TG]  


TG: what  
TG: what is this what the fuck is going on here  
TG: what am i supposed to do with this  
TT: You’re not supposed to “do” anything with it.  
TT: Just read it.  
TG: yeah i did that  
TT: Well okay, then.  
TG: ...  
TG: ok?  
TT: Do you have any thoughts?  
TG: oh ok so thats what you want me to do  
TG: you want me to  
TG: like  
TG: review this shitshow  
TT: If you were so inclined.  
TT: Sure.  
TG: what even is it tho what the fuck are you guys going for here  
TT: It’s an abstract.  
TG: yep it sure does say that at the top  
TT: Do you even know what an abstract is, Dave?  
TG: interesting question  
TG: do you  
TT: What are you implying?  
TG: im implying this thing is un god damn readable  
TT: Oh please.  
TG: cmon rose it seriously is  
TG: its obviously SO fucking willfully obtuse  
TG: i wouldnt be surprised if you guys just threw a bunch of academic sounding words and punctuation in a hat then emptied the hat into a confetti cannon and shot yourselves in the face with it  
TT: It’s essentially a summary.  
TG: oh  
TG: ok  
TG: of what  
TT: Of our findings.  
TG: wait  
TG: what are your findings i didnt see shit about findings  
TG: are they in the parentheses  
TT: No.  
TG: how bout the brackets  
TT: They’re not anywhere!  
TG: lotttta brackets in dirks part  
TT: We haven’t found them yet.  
TG: ...ok  
TT: I wouldn't expect you to understand.  
TG: i mean  
TG: i definitely dont understand everything about whatever the fuck i just read  
TT: Exactly.  
TG: but if i had to extract some kind of  
TG: like  
TG: actual meaning out of that aneurysm up there  
TG: ...  
TG: it sounds like you guys are doin a movie night  
TT: ...  
TG: or like  
TG: a series of movie nights  
TT: God dammit.  
TG: ahaha yeah ima take that as a yes  
TG: but youre so fucking caught up in coming off as intellectual  
TT: Oh my god.  
TG: yep nailed it again  
TG: youre both so caught up in that youre stuck in this endless ridiculous feedback loop of tryna one up each other  
TG: cuz you both want so badly to be above something as  
TG: fuckin  
TG: pedestrian  
TG: as father daughter slash god for fucking bid friend movie night  
TT: This is ridiculous.  
TG: that instead youre playing up this bizarro academic angle  
TG: dressin it all up in the ill fitting suit of some kind of  
TG: like  
TG: doctoral dissertation  
TT: That is not at all what’s happening.  
TG: sure it is youre not foolin anybody rose you bought that suit at the sal val  
TT: Ugh.  
TG: yep the vests got a stain but thats fine you dont need that  
TG: the pants are a lil baggy due to bein a size too big and a decade too old  
TG: but damn if youre both gonna look cute as the dickens at the middle school dance  
TT: I don’t have to stand for this.  
TG: hey youre the one came to me  
TG: actually yeah now im starting to figure out where i factor into this intricate dance  
TG: you clearly want me to pinch your cheeks tell you youre handsome  
TG: take your picture by the fireplace pin a corsage on your lapel send you off into the night  
TT: Are Dirk and I both wearing the same suit in this ridiculous, unsettling reshuffling of familial roles?  
TG: yep youre each in one leg of the pants  
TT: Pff.  
TG: you started out with him on your shoulders but decided that just looked stupid  
TG: you were right too this is def the classier call youre gonna break some hearts tonight  
TT: This is absurd.  
TG: yeah it is but thats fine  
TG: i dont really get what you guys are goin for here with this monstrosity that looks like a humanities phd ate a jar each of marmalade and grape jelly and then puked everywhere  
TT: Oh my god.  
TG: but seriously  
TG: ...  
TG: im glad you guys are hanging out  
TT: Oh.  
TG: yeah dont tell anybody  
TG: but  
TG: ...  
TG: i think dirk might be kinda lonely  
TT: I mean...  
TT: Is that even a secret?  
TT: I’m not sure who there is to hide that fact from.  
TG: yeah i know  
TG: just  
TG: you know  
TT: I do.  
TG: cool  
TG: and whats more i think he might actually be secretly kinda hella jazzed to have a real live family to hang with all of a sudden  
TG: but you know  
TG: not really know how to say it  
TT: Hmm...  
TT: Could that interpretation accurately apply to anyone besides just Dirk?  
TG: yeah youre right that shits got karkat written all over it  
TT: Ha!  
TG: you got him pegged rose  
TT: I am the Karkat whisperer.  
TG: you sure are  
TG: anyway all im gettin at here is despite the irrefutable unshakable fact that this thing you sent me is all kinds of ridiculous  
TG: i mean honest to god just christ shittingly absurd  
TT: Pssh.  
TG: im glad you guys are bonding or whatever  
TG: livin out your weird dream of being old crusty eccentric professors nobody can understand  
TG: despite the fact youve got one seventh grade education and two slightly different memorized versions of wikipedia between you  
TT: Ouch.  
TG: hey thats more than almost anybody else here youre golden  
TG: no joke the other day i heard jake confidently call a plant “kingsfoil”  
TT: What’s wrong with that?  
TG: whats wrong with it is its from the god damn lord of the rings  
TT: Oh my god.  
TG: according to jade it was actually a daffodil  
TT: That’s incredible.  
TG: the dude survived in the jungle not poisoning himself for years tho  
TG: so who knows  
TT: Yes, I suppose one doesn’t need to know a plant’s proper name to be aware of its edibility.  
TG: yeah if its poisonous in middle earth stands to reason its also poisonous here  
TT: Be the eater human, troll, or hobbit.  
TG: ahaha  
TG: anyway so yeah this thing you wrote is weird as hell  
TG: but im actually kind of interested in seeing how long you can possibly keep this up  
TG: if you guys ever get your shit together to actually like  
TG: do some research  
TG: you better send me your findings  
TT: Oh I assure you.  
TT: Our shit is thoroughly together.  
TT: We are already Earth C’s premier academic body.  
TG: pretty sure its literally impossible youre not theres zero competition  
TT: Ha!  
TG: but cool  
TG: cant wait to get to the bottom of  
TG: uh  
TG: whatever the fuck it is you guys are tryna prove i cant really tell  
TT: Me neither.  
TG: you cant tell  
TT: I can’t wait.  
TG: fuck  
TT: Nice try.  
TG: yeah it was  
TT: I’ll see you later.  
TG: bye  


tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG]  



End file.
